Friday, April 30, 2010

Red (rough draft)

I adore my new red dress, I can swirl and twirl it flutters and flies, the fabric giving notice of my passage. Red, Red, Red, a beacon in the light of day against the grey rocks and tumultous water of the North Atlantic.

Imagine mothers face, I am not allowed out by myself, red, red, red mother it looks so good on you. Father was so mad with me, his face as he saw....but I just wanted to feel the coming storm, red red red father it is a badge across your chest.

I danced around the house this morning in happiness and joy the freedom of movement and possiblities and so much to do. Red, Red, Red the colour of the flames that flicker and flow from the house in the harbour that was my castle, my prison, my fate.

I shall dance across the waves, away from the small figures that have turned from ruin and ash and have started towards me, I will not talk to them today. I will spin turning forever in my costume of crimson and scarlet. Red, red, red.


Laurita said...

This is great, even for a first draft. Some great thoughts in here. Loved the repetition.

Carrie said...

The repetition was somewhat not necessary. I feel it would be stronger with one red. If course this is only my opinion, whether welcome or not. I think the story is fantastic and immediate otherwise. That seems to be my favorite word today. Thanks for sharing.

Laurita said...

what you're saying, but the reason I liked the repetition is because it makes it seem like spinning, twirling, flashing- red, red, red. Like a descent into madness.

John Wiswell said...

I think the repetition would work better in an audio version or live performance. It was difficult for me to produce a style for it as it's written. If you do more drafts (Laurita called it a first draft, not sure if she knows something I don't - quite possible), I might recommend cutting as much as you can and getting other people to read it to you, to see how they process the voices you try to confine to the page. It's very tricky stuff, but your flair for it is obvious from the first paragraph on. It's a neat experiment.

Mental_Pictures said...

Thank you all for taking the time to drop by, read and of course comment. All feedback is welcome.